Back Pains Within Applying Self Forgiveness within doing Mind Constructs
A prominent point with regards to my experience at the moment.
I have been seeing this experience/point come up quite consistently now for the last 3 to 5 months. I see that I have always had this ‘point’ though have not experienced it in the same way meaning I experience this point differently now then how I used to experience it yet I still see it as the same point. I will start with my current experience.
This point came up quite prominently today. And I find it becomes more pronounced specifically when doing Self Forgiveness on the mind constructs. This does not come up in the same way while say for instance doing the mind construct layout. But rather while doing the self forgiveness stage when writing out self forgiveness. The point I am referring to is Pain in my Back.
It emerges as quite a sharp and pronounced pain more towards the (upper)centre of my back. It is like a tightness, and a strain.
This also comes out when I push myself more.
I relate the point to haste, as I find I have not yet arrived at a point where I am actually calm as I direct myself through tasks but rather experience me as rushed, or having to get through points quickly in order to get that which I require to get done each day. From this perspective there is fear of not getting anything /everything done, which is also like a fear of falling behind. So as I walk through my day working on tasks this pain emerges and becomes my entire back. Its actually quite a fascinating experience as the pain acts as a kind of guide, particularly when/while doing self forgiveness where in now it is getting to the stage that the pain begin to emerge as soon as I “go into my mind” from the perspective of doing self forgiveness from the perspective of knowledge and information. This is how I see it. So when my forgiveness is not “real” the pain emerge within my back, and if I continue within that vein the pain compound very quickly and as I mentioned will begin immediately as soon as I start to rush the forgiveness or simply am “doing forgiveness” and not actually releasing anything. This will also move into a headache quite quickly also though I experience the point moving from beginning where it emerge in the back then into a headache.
So it is quite cool from the perspective of my physical body indicating to me that I am actually “missing the point” and so from this perspective is supporting me to look deeper so to speak and actually bring myself to a point of where I am in fact doing self forgiveness for real. I mean this is showing that I am making progress even though I may not yet be effective with Self Forgiveness, at least now I am seeing this and realizing when there is pain, which at this stage comes up 90% of the time, indicating that I require to “look deeper” or re-adjust how I am applying the forgiveness/myself
At this stage I have just pushed the point, meaning when there is pain, I, rather than stop, simply push myself to continue . I am testing whether the pain is something that I must push ‘through’ though I have found that I cannot really push through it but rather that I am creating it. And sometimes the harder I push, the more I create the pain. So then must stop.
As mentioned it comes out most prominently while doing Self Forgiveness on my mind constructs but also now is quite “active” in my day to day activities. Sometimes there is noo pain, but mostly every move/decision I make, the pain emerge in some degree or another, and in some cases accumulate more and more until it is extensive pain, pressure and tension in my whole back and then also moving into my head as a headache, though I am seeing (In some instances) that I am creating the pain every step of the way but have not yet been effective in diffusing it.
I am using it as a guide and see that it is not something I require to diffuse necessarily but direct and apply myself in a way where I do not build the pain up in the first place, because this is the point, I am creating it. Though at times it seems to also just sit in my back, like hovering there, I see it, but not able to release it, and also because I am busy in my day that as I move from one point to the next it kind of keep the pain activated, so my very movement in my day activate the pain.
I experience it as an inability to relax. It is less when I have money coming in, where in if I do not have money coming it simply add extra pressure.
I have also looked at it in relation to the Self Forgiveness point from the perspective of the SF being a Burden in that the size and scale of the amount of SF to do becomes a weight in itself. This also correlates to why I would then experience this same pain during my day to day, as with this there is a point where I see what I have to do as “allot” and exist within a “must get everything done” and no matter how much I push, find that I never get to a point where I am just here and able to direct myself where I am actually calm and patient.
In this I RUSH, and have not yet found Why I rush, though have looked at this point because this pain has now been here for quite some time. Like a continuous tension in my mid and upper shoulders back. A constant anxiety as fear as panic of sorts, though strange because I see when the point is here, and realize – Ok, here is the point again, so breath, relax, and direct, yet even within that the pain continue, so I am seeing the point but not yet able to effectively direct it or even stabilize it, but still it is existing within a point of “accumulation” indicating that I have not yet found even the stabilizing point of the pain, let alone to release the point all together. This come through in my writing allot as there is a tendency to rush, and also within this a frustration that I am not effective at this yet, So this point of inner frustration seems also an aspect of the pain sitting in my back. Its like I feel like I am not able to stop, and breath and be here, like there is this constant pressure to move , that I MUST move. From this starting point, I am not deliberate or specific in my application, but only running and speeding through everything, and in this missing it all of it. Thus I must take a look at my starting point and investigate why I direct myself, and from what starting point. Its like I see how I want to be directing myself – I want to be directing myself Here, stable, calm, deliberate, directing each point specifically and really getting specific with every breath and developing my self specificity. So I see that yes, I want this, though still working on getting to this point.